Never Woke Up

We have all heard the sayings, in various words and languages that basically boil down to the same thing.
“Carpe Diem” “Live like you’re dying.” You get what I’m talking about.

But I was struck with a thought on my drive home today. What if I close my eyes to sleep, and never wake up? A morbid take on the age-old sentiment, but one that struck me as more than a pep talk for spontaneity.

You are in bed, tired and ready to get some shut eye, maybe some prayers are uttered, (the request-to-gratitude ratio is heavily tipped towards the former, if you’re like me), perhaps a to-do list for the next day, week, and/or month bounces around your skull; and then your eyelids shut, and that’s it.

The sayings always imply that you’re going to die the next day, but what if the sayings implied that you were going to die in hours, if not minutes? How would you handle that? Obviously you are not going to jump up and complete your bucket list, because you lived the day like any other, and they just don’t let civilians do high altitude skydives at night. All you have left to do is reflect and pray.

Would you be able to see the miracles that intertwined in your mundane day? Would you be proud of your conduct towards others? Your thoughts towards others? Your thoughts about yourself? Could you accept the not-so-nice things you may have done, and be able to rise above our negative-centric status-quo, and acknowledge the good that you do? Would you want to strive to fix your wrongs, and spread more love and joy in the world; if you got the chance to wake up? Would you endeavor to stop complaining, vocally or internally, about your life situation and take each day for what it truly is, 86,400 miracles; because every second is one more piece of time that you got to be a part of.

I want to be a person that at the end of the day, I would be okay if it were my time to go. Of course there will always be things that I want to do. But if I was called home after closing my eyes, I want to feel like I spent my last day present and grateful in every possible moment, and spreading as much love as I had to give plus a little more.

So take it or leave it, but I think my major attitude adjustment for the year is going to start at the end of each day…What if I Never Woke up?

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Lottery Ticket

“Why do you buy a ticket when you know you’ll never win?”

“It’s a dollar, and it’s not about thinking I’m going to win, it’s about having a chance to dream up the ‘what-ifs’ of winning. It’s letting yourself believe for those few days before the draw that everything you can think of is about to come true. It’s a dream, and $1 is a pretty cheap dream.”

When I was little, I would have this conversation with my mom when we would stop at a gas station to buy a lottery ticket, it didn’t happen too often, but I still remember. To this day the “what-if” game is my mom’s favorite, and on the rare occasion of her buying a lottery ticket, we have to play it.

Now, being in the transitory stage of life, my what-ifs are either too practical for my mom, and now dad that chimes in with a quip here and there, or too ridiculous, like cure cancer, sink all the shark-finning boats, or go on a great journey to find and meet, and hopefully not be killed by, a Sasquatch (they like the soothing tones of female voices). She wanted dreams that are reasonable, but just out of reach at this time.

I always play the game, and with my imagination, quickly start to spin off to the illogical, improbable, and sometimes just plain fictional possibilities. This week, I decided to play the game for real. Picked my numbers and everything. It may seem silly to some people, especially to fellow creatives, that I felt the need to buy something to help me dream. It isn’t that I need help letting my imagination run wild with the blue prints of my future, side note, crayons are not erasable.

The thick glossy strip of paper in my hand acted as an anchor to my mind. Just like the question, “You’re house is burning, you have 30 seconds to grab anything you can and run, what do you save?” I stared at the random numbers, odds and evens, primes and whatever the name for not-primes is, and I asked “If you got the money, what are the top things you would do?”

1. Pay off my student loans, and pay back my parents for all the money they spent on my education.

2. Road trip. I was going to say get my own place, but then decided to be a nomad, to explore the beautiful country I live in, and have seen so little of. Then I would travel around to all of the butterfly sanctuaries of the world, just be covered with butterflies, and write a book about it.

3. Get my own place, after I am done being on the road full-time. Why would I pay rent for a place I’m not living in?

4. Charities, I like volunteering, and give what tiny amount I can, but I would love to drop some dough on the causes I have supported all these years.

5. Sharks. I would get dive certified and go around the world touching as many sharks as I can. This may fit in the nomad section.

6. Open a little bookstore cafe with my best friend. I don’t know that this will ever happen, but it is always the joke between us that someday we will be the eccentric ladies with a witty named coffee-bistro-books-music hybrid monster.

7. I was happy that I did also still want to get a job, being an editor’s assistant, or working my way from intern into the creative department of a studio. It just made me smile that the hard worker gene in my family transcends the possibility of money.

The point of all this, to realize that this little piece of mulched, soaked, treated, steamed and pressed tree is not the thing keeping me from my dreams. I am. All the years of crying, laughing, yelling, and shaking my head at luck, and how fickle it can be. All those days, believing in God, yet not trusting that He knows what to do in my life. How brave I think I am, and yet in the mirror stares back a little girl, not daring enough to tell her reflection how to achieve her dearest wishes.

How many people look at a scrap of paper very similar to the one that is now resting on my dresser, and dare to dream about the blessings that I take for granted every day? For that matter, how many people wish to have a single dollar?

I don’t expect to win, I’m not that good at math anymore, but I can understand the slim odds, and that’s fine. I will work for my dreams, I’m a get-stuff-done kind of girl. But if once a year, or once every few years, I lose sight of what it is I really want to do with my life, I will buy a smidgen of dead tree with black numbers printed into it. I will buy a lottery ticket, not only for the anticipation of dreams, but to remind myself of one very important fact.

My life, my family, my faith, and what I have experienced…I’ve already won the lottery.