Those Words

How many miracles

can one girl ask for?

Or rather,

why do I expect

all the miracles

that I ask for,

in the manner I ask for?

I have

life.

I have

loved ones.

I have

a ridiculous

amount of blessings.

It wasn’t the

rejection

that led me to

ask,

to wish upon that

sparkling northern miracle star…

it was the dread of

well meant encouragement,

those words that

are filled with love,

and support.

Those words that

constrict my throat muscles,

and make my lips very rigid

for fear of letting out

the words

the stupid words

that have everything

to do with my own

insecurities,

and nothing to do

with those words,

and the goodness behind those words.

Those words,

which are full of

more than the best intentions,

bring out the worst in me.

Serious Sit Down

Two days ago, I had a sobering thought: “I’m just pretending this is going to work, aren’t I?” Honestly, it was a thought I had from the beginning, it seemed too good to be true, I pushed it to the back of my mind, and forced words out of my mouth that made it seem like I cared.

You may be thinking, “That’s cruel, knock it off!”; and I wouldn’t blame you. There is just something so comforting about sticking with the familiar, even when that loving feeling is dead and buried. I tried to blame my apathy on my current “transitional state of life” as I have grown to think of it. Where I don’t want to get too attached to anything/anyone. But there comes a time when you need to take the big horse-pill of truth, and ask the hard questions:

Am I doing the right thing?

What is the meaning of all this?

and, most importantly…

Am I just writing these prequels to seem more marketable?

Oh, you thought I was talking about a real-life human relationship? Ha. I just had a counseling/writing session with two unwritten books and their characters…I am way too loony to have a boyfriend!

Anyway, I sat down with 16 oz. of local organic black coffee, and busted out my problems. I started  my “sit down” with the mindset that I was going to say goodbye to the world and characters that I created. That is was time to move on to a different project. Then the books talked back. No, I’m not crazy, but I did listen to what the books wanted. I mean if I was going to dump them outside of a coffee shop, it is the least I can do…right?

I put my self-defeating attitude aside, and realized it wasn’t all about my personal hang-ups. I can say some major things with these characters. I used them to convey a message through fantastical means in the first novel I wrote, so why not listen to what I really want to say to/about the world, and do it 2 more times? I need to let go of my fears and commitment issues, and learn that this will be much more satisfying if I am all-in for the long haul. Yes, I am still talking about a writing project. I told you, a bit kooky; but then again, I can’t think of any authors (at least, not any of my role models) that were famous for being sane.

So, I guess the whole point of this post is: don’t  give up on something/someone without doing a serious sit down counseling chat/writing sesh about it. If you’ve put in the work, why would you bog out before seeing how fantastic the end result could be?

If we don’t look for the deeper message, and have the courage to write it, then our voices will just add to the meaningless cacophony that we have let fill this world. Stand up, and let your message be heard, or be doomed to sit outside a coffee shop, writing about fictional characters that only you will love, because you won’t let anyone else listen to what they want to say.