My name is William James Flannigan the Third. I like the name The Governor better.That’s what my peewee coach calls me. The other name is what my mom calls me-
“WILLIAM JAMES FLANNIGAN THE THIRD!”
When I get in trouble.
“You get in here right now!”
My feet feel like I put big rocks in my socks and forgot about them. “What Mommy?” Did the tiles always have specks on them?
“What happened here? Is that my hair dryer in the peanut butter! William how did hamburger meat get in the light fixture?”
I try really hard not to giggle. “I can explain Mom…Today is Wednesday, so school gets out early. I was so ready to work on my Governor swing that I forgot that there wasn’t any peewee practice, and I missed the bus, so I walked home.”
“You walked home alone I-“
“Mommy please! I am telling you what happened! So I was walking in the park, almost home Mommy, when out of the bushes jumped-“
“A horrible scary kidnapper! Billy how did you-“
“Mom! A hugunga, hairy, giant monster jumped at me!”
My mom has her hand by her neck, her face is all scrunchuled, eyes squidgy. I don’t think she believes me.
“He had enormous red eyes, and bright green noodle hairs all over his body, and he had spiky slugs for teeth! And he was going to eat me in one big, giant, slimy gulp Mommy! So I said ‘Stop! I am unyummy, gobbely monster. I can make you something tasty!’
‘Grooble guggly gook, make numminums!’ He roared at me, so I had to bring him back here. I brought him home and snacked some food together for him. He kept on saying, ‘Grooble guggly gook, more numminums!’
“So I slapped sausage at his face, mashed tater-tots with my toesies, splashed the Koolaid, tossed a salad, and I smushed chewy bars with apricots. I took the meat and oiled it, and made meatballs, and practiced my pitching at the monster; and I think one of them might’ve gotten in the light.”
“Will you look at the ceiling…and floor, oh what a disaster!”
“I squished some yogurt in the pickle jar to make sweet pickles. I even threw the apple as hard as I could against the tiles, over and over to make apple sauce! And When I went to sandwich his PB&J for him he schmacked his lips,
‘Grooble guggly gook, HOT!’
And I know I’m not allowed to play with the stove, so I got your hair heater upper thingy to make his sandwich nice and toasty, but when it got stuck he got angry!
‘Grooble guggly gook, now you hurt!’
And then he heard the garage door and I ran for the living room, and then you came in.”
“He must’ve schlumped away, good job mom!”
“Are you lying to me William?”
“You don’t even have a sword!”
“William James Flannigan the Third you start cleaning this up before I ground you for a year!”
“Umm…I like the name The Governor better Mommy.”