Providence of the Pill

When I turn on the TV, there is one thing that I cannot wait to see. Commercials. Specifically drug commercials. Finally, man has made magic real, and you can buy it in a bottle. There is a cure for almost everything these days. You can take pills for anything that bothers you, or could possible bother you in the future. Headaches, muscle spasms, arthritis, weight loss, restless legs, break ups, castration prevention (be one less man to suffer), and spontaneous combustion. All this and more can be avoided by popping pills. It’s a miracle! I believe I even saw that the castration one, NoNeuter is on sale! Buy one packet get one free, I have a feeling that guys won’t have to think about what to get their friends for Christmas.

I think we all know what the best part of these commercials are, the side effects. Of course there are the side effects that come standard with every drug commercial; breathing troubles, increased heart rate, liver spots, strokes, detachable limbs (if this happens the drug company will send you specialized industrial strength Velcro), and in rare cases (10%) death. These side effects mean nothing to me though. If there is a pill that will stop my spaghetti arms I will risk sporadic break dancing, and getting Michael Jackson skin spots.

Then there are the drugs that have the really weird side effects. Ones that I believe I could deal with, but I don’t know if I want to. For instance, there is a commercial for Cymbalta, an antidepressant. It started off with the normal effects, Nausea in 30% of the users, drowsiness and headaches in 20%, dizziness, insomnia, fatigue, loss of appetite, and weakness. I realize that antidepressants do not want to spring happiness on the person taking the medication; but I didn’t realize how accommodating these drugs were, they ease the person into happiness by having the same symptoms of depression. Don’t believe me? Just look at what side effects are next. “Suicidal thoughts or behaviors, anxiety, agitation, or panic attacks, hostility or aggressiveness, engaging in unusual or dangerous activities, restlessness or inability to sit still, extreme elation or feelings of happiness that may switch back and forth with a depressed or sad mood, and chest palpitations” I now understand why people line up at pharmacies for this stuff!

Don’t worry about the side effects. They happen to few, and are usually minor enough that they might be able to be treated by your doctor, or a specialist in Gibraltar. Besides, there are other drugs that will take care of the side effects, and then there are drugs that will take care of the side effects that you get from the drug that takes away the side effects from the first drug you were taking. Why eat breakfast when you can fill yourself with pills? They are bright, and colorful, and come in all sorts of shapes and sizes. I can remember as a kid I could not wait to be able to swallow pills.

They look just like candy, and some of them make you feel a lot better than candy ever can. I am very excited that when I get married, and have a home of my own, I can invite all my girlfriends over for a Tupperware and drug party. I hear that a pharmaceutical rep does all the work. They bring the pamphlets full of information of drugs and what they do; also if I host I get 25% off my purchases!

With drugs I can be pain free, feeling free, fat free, stupid free, hair free, odor free, fart free, and alien baby free. I cannot imagine a world without drugs. Frankly, I do not want to. It would be a world of emotional wrecks. It would be a world of ignorance for the well being of their mental state. It would be a world of bland, colorless meals. The people in this world probably wouldn’t even care about the repercussions of a wiggly arm, or self image. Those poor people would be left to themselves to discover who they are, what they can do, and how to take care of themselves. I am thankful for the pharmaceutical companies, and their commercials; because without them…I would probably be in a lot of pain from something or other, and would have to feel the inconvenience of feelings, I would have fat all over my body, and would say stupid things in front of important people, I would probably look like a wookie (global warming is increasing the growth of hair in unwanted places), odor would be permeating off of me, I could fart in a business meeting, and would be vulnerable of impregnation in the event of an alien invasion. So you see, drugs are the only way to get through life living.


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